Priceless Lessons from Pets as Relationship Role Models
A humorous guide to help with your partnership issues
I’d like to share with you the results of my ground-breaking research into this fascinating topic as Professor of Mind-Body-Spirit at the University of Flakey, Arizona. These results show where humanity has been going wrong with personal relationships, and may also point you in the right direction for building intimate partnerships that suit your particular personality right down to the ground.
My research has shown that 91% of all wishes for improvement in their lives made by humans are to do with relationship. Of these, 57% are made with the intention of creating “a wonderful, fulfilling, satisfying, intimate relationship”. 24% are hoping for “a better relationship than the shit one I am in at the moment”. And 11% are seeking “any relationship at all”.
It’s generally accepted that from an evolutionary point of view, the purpose of the sexual urge is for the species to reproduce. The main reason we want to be in relationships, my research shows, is so that we can have our uncomfortable buttons pushed, find out what we have unresolved stuff about, and get things about ourselves brought into the open that we have been spending our lives hiding from other people. Those are the results that relationships most reliably deliver.
There are many different ways of approaching relationships and determining how to have better ones. But most revolutionary of these — the method my research work is promoting — is through using pets as relationship role models, learning from our friends the cats, dogs and others. Let’s look at these sources of relationship inspiration in turn.
Dogs have very simple needs and wants. They want their food. They want to go out and run backwards and forwards very fast, run in circles or run after sticks. And they want to have company, preferably with their owner whom, if these other conditions are fulfilled, they will love totally unconditionally. As long as these wants are met, they will be completely happy. They won’t suddenly say to themselves out of the blue, “Oh that wasn’t what I wanted from this relationship after all, what I want now is something completely different. They don’t move the goalposts.
Dogs, then, are excellent models for being in a relationship. In fact my research has shown that the reason dogs started connecting with humans in the first place was to aid them as relationship role models, because it was clear that humans didn’t have a clue. Dogs insightfully decided that the best way to do this would be to let humankind think that they were ‘domesticating’ them.
Cats, in their evolution in relation to humans, realised that dogs had pretty much sewn up the straightforward/ dependable/ know-where-you-are-with-them relationship archetype, so they decided to do something completely different: model how not to be in a relationship. So cats became independent, changeable, contrary, demanding and unpredictable. If cats aren’t made a fuss of every hour or so, they will quite readily call the whole relationship off — at least until the next time they’re hungry. If they really want to make a point, they will only eat the most expensive cat-food. If it’s a major point, they’ll go off their food altogether.
Sad to say, however, humanity got this whole relationship modelling thing the wrong way round, and have been generally emulating cats rather than dogs ever since. But then, that’s one of the dangers when you’re the dominant species and you have free will as well.
Other animals decided there must be something that they too could do to help humans out of the difficulties inherent in being a more highly sophisticated and versatile species, and demonstrate their tendencies as relationship inspiration too. The origin of every human relationship attribute, in fact, has derived from a pattern set by one or other of the species that has chosen a karmic path of proximity to man.
Early on in their evolution, for instance, gerbils wondered how they could contribute. What they came up with was the ultimate model for contentment — being totally happy to run round and round all day in a little wheel: another how-not-to-do-it lesson. Unfortunately the point has once more been missed by the bulk of humanity, and so we find very many people going for the running-round-and-round-all-day/ not-particularly-going-anywhere kind of relationship. The gerbil is an inspiration to them all.
Those people who hate relationship difficulties, who are not prepared to deal with difficulties, and who refuse to admit that difficulties even exist, are influenced by the ostrich model. Those who are attracted by difficulties in relationship, on the other hand — who put a lot of effort into creating difficulties in relationship, and who are unable to operate in any other context than that of difficulties in relationship — are influenced by the snapping turtle model. Those who only want a relationship with themselves are inspired by the worm, and are probably working as hard as they can on evolving the organs of both sexes. Other creatures that are clearly influential as relationship models include budgies, terrapins, sheep, stick insects and the ever-popular goldfish.
So take your pick; there’s a relationship model there for everyone. Personally, I’m a afficionado of the boa constrictor paradigm.
